Hello world...

Buckle up if you’re reading this, it’s a long read and might have triggers for some of you.

I’m going to be pretty raw and transparent with you all. Mental health is important. Now you might have read that sentence and thought “duh, Erin” but many people don’t make it a priority. For some, feelings and emotions are unfamiliar. It’s been normalized that happiness and good feelings are the kind we are “supposed” to have, and that sadness and anger are taboo. Can I tell you a secret? We need those “bad” feelings too. We all have them and no one can be happy 100% of the time. We’re going to have some sad, angry, or off days and moments thrown in there as well. Those bad feelings, while not fun, tell you something important about yourself. Listen to them and feel them. I previously chose to hide and ignore a lot of my feelings except the happy ones behind a mask. Rookie tip: don’t recommend. I bottled a lot of stuff up inside and pushed a lot of things down to all be ignored. It goes away that way, right? Wrong. It sits there and festers in your body until you decide to acknowledge that pain or emotion. After doing this for years, I became disconnected from my body. I put myself in situations I normally wouldn’t have. I stopped trusting my gut and acting on impulse. I got myself hurt in more ways than one for not trusting myself and listening to myself. Don’t do as I did, listen your body. Listen to those feelings and emotions because you are telling yourself something. Most importantly, give yourself the love you’re searching for. It seems easier to find the love in another person, but it’s much more satisfying to find it inside of yourself. Even better part is no one can take that self love away from you once you find it.

There are so many people on this earth that struggle with mental health, myself included. For many years I’ve beat myself up and talked myself down. I’ve been a downright mean girl to myself for years. I am my own worst critic by far and I’ve been meaner to myself than any person should be. But why? At what cost? I didn’t hurt anyone but myself. It didn’t help me get stuff done and accomplished. I made my self worth minimal. It made me feel like I was worthless and couldn’t do enough. My self-talk wasn’t all negative but more of it was than I’m afraid to admit. My happiness or lack thereof was a product of my own actions and thoughts. I let the big sad get the best of me, or as doctors call it depression. With the depression, anxiety usually holds its hand. I had Eeyore and Piglet living rent free in my head. I’ll be the first to admit, that I acquired some very unhealthy coping mechanisms over the years. I tried downing my sadness in a bottle. I tried smoking it out with weed. I started smoking weed at night to help me sleep, and it snowballed from there. Things that could be normalized as a teenager or young adult trying new things, but for me, I was abusing them. Neither one started as an addiction, but they turned into one. I did actions that would cause harm to myself. Self-harm isn’t just cutting or burning yourself to cause harm. Things like oversleeping, not getting enough sleep, not eating, over eating, doom scrolling on social media, shopping sprees, self-isolation, casual sex, skin picking, nail biting, staying too busy, allowing toxic people in your life and taking scalding hot showers can be some examples. In the beginning, I didn’t realize how much it was affecting me. I kept beating myself down lower and lower to the point where the thought of ending my life crossed my mind. Before you say something, I fully know that suicide isn’t the answer. But when you’re sad like that, it appears the “easy” way out. Suicide does not “fix” things. I’ve lost many friends over the years, some to suicide. There’s a massive hole, a crater if you will, that gets left behind in the friends and family. So many questions and usually no answers. Suicide is not the easy way out. I understand it’s hard when you’re hurting, but seek help. Talk to friends, family, therapists, a pastor, or whoever you feel comfortable with. Just seek help. Life is precious, and we’re only promised this one. Once it’s gone, we can’t get it back. This isn’t a video game in which our character just magically reappears.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for sticking through my rambles. We all have struggles and hardships, every last one of us. Moral of the story is, take care of yourself because no one else will do it for you. Find those healthy coping mechanisms, equip yourself with the proper tools. Visit new places. Make new friends. Find the things in life that make you genuinely happy, no matter how big or small. Try something new or pick up an old hobby. Congratulate yourself for things you finished, even if it’s something as simple as making your bed. If it suits you, find religion and talk to God, He’s listening. The possibilities are endless. Find whatever floats your goat. No matter what your struggle is, don’t give up and keep fighting. Take things day by day. Heck, take them hour by hour or by the minute if you need to. You can come out on the top of your fight. You’ve got this. Push yourself another day and find out how great this life can get. My words won’t apply to everyone out there, but if they make a difference in someone’s life and keep someone on this earth for another day, I’m humbled to play my part as a human. Now excuse me while I get off this dang smartphone and go kick a ball around outside.

To my friends and family: I’m sorry I’ve not been good at getting back at messages or phone calls. I cannot express how important you are to me and I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel like you aren’t by not answering. It’s not the case at all. Lately my phone has been overwhelming to me, so it’s been easier for me to place it on do not disturb. Sometimes I still let my vices get the best of me and isolation is one of them. I know this is not the answer and I will get back to you, but it might take me a little while. I’m a work in progress.

While you’re busy doubting yourself, someone else is intimated by your full potential.