I'm fine...

If you’ve been around me you know one of my common phrases has been: “It’s fine, I’m fine, everything is fine.” Even when things are definitely not fine, I’ve still spouted it. Here lately, it’s really been clicking to me how indeed not fine I’ve been. Before you start worrying, at this moment in time I’m hunky-dory. I’m on the uphill battle of this journey, and it’s been a h-e-double hockey sticks of a climb to get myself out of this dark hole. I don’t share this part of my life for the empathy or pity, I do in hopes that it saves someone’s life.

When you look in the mirror, who do you see? Do you like that person? Do you critique her/him for the way your body looks? Do you nit-pick your face and hair? Do you smile when you see you? Go take a gander, and be kind to yourself. Instead of beating yourself up, find the things you like about yourself. For entirely too long, if I could look at myself in the mirror, I wouldn’t make eye contact for long. I’d usually do a quick outfit check (if I even did that) and away from the mirror I went. I haven’t liked who I’ve seen in the mirror for a while and instead of being nice to me, I was an absolute jerk to myself. I cannot stress how important your self-talk is to your psyche. You start to believe the things you tell yourself even if they’re not true.

Depression has turned me into someone I don’t even recognize. I’d become a husk of a human being. I’ve been hurting for a lot of years and didn’t realize how bad. I kept running from the pain and refusing to acknowledge it. I got so used to being in pain, that I turned into the abuser and kept the pain going. I believed that the pain would always be there and things were going to stay “bad”. The smoking and drinking to numb it just made it worse. Everything compounded until I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore and just shut down. I quit on and abandoned myself. I was eating the bare minimum, maybe a meal a day if I did that. There were days in a row where I wouldn’t hardly get out of bed or leave my house. I’d stay up all night and sleep during the day. The housework piled up like the dishes in my sink. I stopped answering people’s calls and texts, and even talking to people in person. I was committing slow suicide on a daily basis, waiting for some miracle to happen to pull me out of it.

Hurt people hurt people and unfortunately, I’ve unintentionally hurt some people I care deeply about. I didn’t understand the spiral I was going down and lashed out at a few people. And after that I isolated myself even more because I didn’t want to hurt anyone else. Which again, unintentionally, hurt more people. A friend of mine joked that I’m the CEO of ghosting people when my energy is off and she’s not wrong at all. I can feel when I’m off and I know how destructive I can be so if I remove myself, I can’t inflict pain on anyone but me. Which that in itself is self-destructive behavior and I don’t recommend any of it. For the love of all that is good, please talk to someone. Don’t shut people out. I was hurting badly enough I just wanted the pain to end. If it were not for Hoss and Kane, I’m not sure I’d be here anymore. I know suicide is not the answer because it just leaves mountains of anguish behind you. But when someone is hurting that bad, they just want the pain to go away. They want the hurt, heartache and all the other bad things to simply stop. The voices in your head turn dark and they convince you you’re not worth it, no one would miss you, and many other untrue things. Don’t believe those voices because you are worthy of so many wonderful experiences and things.

Y’all depression is a b*tch, I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. If you’ve never struggled with it, thank your lucky stars. If you have or are; darling you’re going to make it out of this alive. You can do this. Keep going day by day, minute by minute, one foot in front of the other. Don’t give up, there’s light at the other side of this tunnel. You’re going to find it. I know it’s hard, but don’t wait for someone to come save you. Save yourself. You are more than capable. If you’re not changing it, you’re choosing it. I hated hearing this for a while too, but it’s a choice to stay in that pain and hurt. You get to choose how your story is written. Make it a great one. Get out of the box, break those glass ceilings and make a difference in the world.