Plates

Therapy today hit me hard and the song playing in my pickup after my hour was up hit me harder. It was Papa Roach’s “Kick in the Teeth”. The exact part of the song that was playing was "if it feels like a kick in the teeth I can take it." And in that moment, I realized how used to getting kicked in the teeth I was. Metaphorically of course. I've gotten so used to being tough all the time that I'd forgotten what it’s like to be soft and sensitive. I built up such a thick skin with the highest walls that I wasn't letting anyone in. I was addicted to the pain and hurt, it was my normal.

Looking at the plate above, it seems like a simple plate with some scribbles on it. Which is not wrong, that plate is also so much more; at least to me. It started out as a simple thing with my little sister. (Those of you that know me know I don't have a blood little sister, but this young lady is family to me.) For New years we wanted to sit down and write out all the things we didn't want to bring into the new year. I've spent so much of my life focusing on the bad and what I don't want to be that I've ignored all the good and what I DO want to be. This plate is full of “bad” and let me tell you how f*cking liberating it was to smash it all to bits. It was a way of calling myself out on my "undesirable" traits. Traits I've been holding onto for years to protect myself. They’re not bad traits or bad things about me, they were protection mechanisms that got me through some of the toughest times in my life.

They helped to keep my fortress from crumbling to the ground. My alligator filled moat was protecting me from unwanted intruders, and those gators were ready to snap at any sign of something that might hurt me. It was impenetrable, even to me. I'd built up such walls that I was also keeping myself out. Anything that seemed like it was going to be painful, I ran from. I hid behind my fortress walls and pretended all was okay. The “bad” couldn’t get me in there. Cheese and rice was I ever so wrong. Those “bad” feelings still showed their face and instead of feeling them, I’d gotten to be a pro at intellectualizing them. Ya’ll, I do not recommend doing that in any way shape or form.

When those “bad” feelings come up, don’t ignore them, acknowledge them. They can teach you a lot about yourself. Who’s to say they’re bad? Yeah sure they can be extremely uncomfortable, that doesn’t make them bad. They’re only bad if you look at them that way. Those uncomfortable parts of you are often the parts of you that need the most love. Give yourself that care and compassion. Be gentle on yourself and give yourself that love. Take some time and learn to look for the good things in yourself instead of just focusing on the “bad”. You will learn a lot more about yourself if you’re willing to make friends with the side of you that makes you uncomfortable. You deserve to give yourself that love.